His Secret
by starrnobella
Summary: Admitting the truth is one of the hardest things for him to do, especially when it comes to her. COMPLETE


**A/N:** Okay so this is my first full blown Arrow one-shot and I'm in love with it because I love these characters more than anything. I do hope that I have written them up to par for those of you who do write for the Arrow fandom. My drabble collection Aim for the Stars has some other Olicity in it, and I'm working on a one-shot for this pairing as well. However it will not be ready for a while unfortunately.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot of this thought process. Everything else belongs to the minds of Greg Berlanti, Marc Guggenheim, and Andrew Kreisberg.

This was written for the 31 days of Fanfiction Challenge day 7 which was the bad thing that no one talks about. Anyone who knows Oliver, knows he is a person of secrets.

Thank you to xxDustNight88 for the beta work of this story. You all should really check her out. She writes some amazing pieces.

If you are interested in checking out my other works or keeping up with me in general, I have an author's page on Facebook that you can check out (starrnobella Fanfiction) as well as a group (starrnobella Fanfiction Friends & Fans) that I am very active in on a daily basis. I'm also on tumblr (starrnobella) that you can follow along with me as well.

If you enjoy this story, please let me know what you think! I'm loving writing for this fandom because it has been so accepting of me since my first steps into it.

Love always,  
~starr

* * *

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Felicity shouted as she walked across the bunker to where he stood, her heels clicking against the floor as she went. The fact that Oliver hadn't bothered to acknowledge her presence was fueling the frustration she was already feeling. She marched right up to where he was standing and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to turn and look at her. "Oliver! Talk to me!"

When he finally looked at her and their eyes met, she searched his eyes for any remaining sign of hope. If she could at least find that then maybe she could bring him back from the darkness that he was slowly slipping away to and show him that there is a light still inside of him. However, the more she searched his eyes, the less of him she was able to see. It seemed as though her Oliver was reverting back to his old self.

She shook her head, pushing the thought aside. He wasn't _her_ Oliver anymore. She had chosen to leave him when he was willing to do anything to get her back in his life. Slowly she pulled her hand away from his shoulder. His eyes following it as it dropped to her side.

"Please, talk to me," she whispered after a few brief moments. The silence in the room was deafening. She could see a pain in his eyes that she hadn't seen before. Something Chase had done to him had broken him. The concern now was that he was broken beyond repair.

Oliver took a deep breath and let out a long sigh as he scrubbed his hands over his face. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands briefly before his hands dropped back to his side and he allowed himself to look at her once again. She was worried about him, and he couldn't say that he could blame her. He hadn't exactly been himself since Chase tortured him.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked, a soft chuckle in his voice as he plastered a small smile on his face.

"Oliver," Felicity sighed, rubbing a hand on her forehead as she tried to come up with something else to say to him. She knew this was difficult for him. He didn't like to talk about anything that has happened to him.

Leaning back, Oliver sat on the table behind him and dropped his head slightly as he took yet another deep breath. If he had to deal with all of this by talking to someone, then it was going to be Felicity because she knew him better than anyone.

"Ten years ago, I was in hell and I was able to come back from it," Oliver began, refusing to look anywhere other than the floor and the space between his feet and Felicity's. He could feel her eyes on him, watching his every move.

"When I came back to Starling City, I wanted to honor my father by crossing the names off a list. A list that I knew nothing about. I didn't know why those names were on the list, but I was determined to cross every single name off for him. Although, if it wasn't for my time away, then I wouldn't have known what to do to be able to cross them off."

Felicity watched him as he spoke, his muscles flexed and she noticed that his hand unclenched his fist and gripped the table. He never talked about what happened before he returned to Starling City. She had convinced herself that it was because they were painful memories that he didn't want to relive. She never would have imagined that it all tied into reason he had become the Arrow.

"When I first landed on the Island, I was nothing but a college drop-out, who barely had the skills necessary to survive. The people that I met there trained and taught me how to survive and then when I left the Island with Argus and Amanda Waller, I gained new skills. Skills that were able to save my life a million times over. Skills that I now wish I never gained.

"My time with Argus led me back to that same Island. I should have died on that Island. Things certainly would have been different," Oliver trailed off, slowly lifting his head to meet her eyes. "Tommy wouldn't be dead and neither would Laurel or my mother."

"Oliver," Felicity interrupted, "their deaths are not your fault. How many times do _I_ have to tell you that everything isn't your fault?"

"But their deaths are on my conscious, Felicity," Oliver insisted. "If I had died on that Island instead of being trained by numerous _killers_ , then they would still be alive because I wouldn't have come back into their lives with my new found hobby."

"Hobby?" Felicity repeated, stepping forward and placing a careful hand on his shoulder. "Oliver, what are you talking about?"

Her eyes searched his once again, hoping to find something there that hadn't been there before. All she could find was pain and despair. She could also regret in his eyes. Regret that didn't belong there and it was all because of what Chase had done to him.

"Killing people," Oliver said, shrugging his arm from Felicity and taking a few steps away. He scrubbed his hands over his face and the top of his head. It was the first time he had said it outloud since he had been released from Chase's captivity.

It felt as though someone had knocked all of the wind out of her body when his confession hit her ears. The two simple words playing on repeat in her mind over and over again. How many times was she going to have to remind him that there was more to him than killing people? He had come so far since he had started his vendetta and saved countless lives.

"You aren't a killer, Oliver," came her quiet voice from just behind him. Closing his eyes, Oliver sighed before turning to face her. He was met with her eyes, so full of hope, something that didn't exist in his own eyes anymore.

"Yes, I am," he admitted, his voice faltering as he scrubbed a hand over his face and rubbing his eyes to remove the tears that he could feel welling up in the corners of his eyes. Her hope in him was what kept the light in his life, but without her by his side, that light had nearly diminished completely.

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to her forehead for a few moments before pulling away and moving across the bunker towards the door where he paused and turned to face her. "My entire purpose for the last ten years has been a vendetta to cross names off a list. A list that I had no business possessing. That list led me to killing Chase's father, which is why he is after me.

"He was able to show me who I truly am. A man who kills because it makes me feel strong. It is something that I can control, unlike the situations that have led me to this point. And now Chase is in control and there is nothing I can do to stop him."

"Why can't you stop him?" Felicity asked, her voice shaking as a few stray tears began to roll down her cheek. She knew there was nothing she could say at this point that was going to stop him from believing that he was a killer. She had to let him deal with this on his own.

"Because he'll kill the people that I love," Oliver replied, "and I would never be able to live with the regret of knowing that you were killed because of me."

"The people you love," she echoed, her voice trailing off as she thought about his words.

"I love you, Felicity," he said. "I will always love you. And to keep you safe, I have to do exactly what Chase asks of me."

That was the secret he was hoping to take to his grave because Felicity didn't deserve to have that on her conscious as he went into a war that he was never going to win. A war that would destroy him and all of the good that he was able to do for the city.

He turned away and left her alone in the bunker. The last sound he had heard was that a sob ripping through her body and it caused tears of his own to fall freely from his eyes as he walked away.

He would do anything to keep her safe, even if it meant that he could never be with her again and doing exactly what Adrian Chase wanted him to do.


End file.
